Fixing a home can be laden with
pitfalls and irritations. But that's the beauty of home repair: it builds enormous
character. If you've already got enough character, home repair isn't for you.
Hire people who need to work on their personalities.
By popular demand - Mag's Round Up faves
Deep thoughts about fixing stuff
Avoid misbehaving in the hardware store
How to have a successful sojourn in the hardware store
Mag's Round Up - favourites file
Plumber Butt
We’ve come to that part of the show where I like to talk about solving difficult problems. For example, what can be done about Plumber Butt? Do those who suffer from Plumber Butt even know they have it? If they do know they have it, are they enjoying the draft, or do they just think it kind of looks good? If they think it looks good, what can you hope they’ll achieve under your sink?
I figure Plumber Butt isn’t something that’s inherited, it’s something that’s earned. It’s a way of wearing jeans that says "Hey, I’ve bent over a lot in my day and I’ve stopped caring what it looks like from behind, so get over it." And that’s about as close as a human being can come to total self-acceptance. And that’s worth admiring. Until next time on A Repair to Remember, I'm Mag Ruffman.
Torque
We’ve come to that part of the show where I like to talk about deeper issues. For example, understanding torque. Torque is a twisting force, the kind needed to tighten a screw. If there is no torque acting on a screw, its angular momentum is a constant. In the same way, if there is no torque acting on your body when you do yoga, you need a tighter leotard.
If somebody applies torque to a screw with a large cordless drill, the angular momentum of the screw is still constant, relative to the force from the cordless drill. This is a roundabout way of saying that constant screwing over a long period of time really has no consequences on either body, unless one of them is overweight.
Having higher torque means the screwing will go faster. In some cases, lower torque may actually be desirable. Not so low that you’re going to fall asleep, and high enough to keep you from wondering if you should be answering that phone. So bear these principles in mind when contemplating a good drill, and you will achieve a higher level of consumer satisfaction in all your screwing endeavors. Until next time on A Repair to Remember, I’m Mag Ruffman.
Acting Manly
We’ve come to that part of the show where I like to talk about deeper issues. For example, acting manly. Acting manly is something that
We’ve come to that part of the show where I like to talk about deeper issues. For example, acting manly. Acting manly is something that often happens to a woman when she snaps on a toolbelt. A swagger comes to her step. She starts dropping her "g’s" and wiping her nose on the back of her hand, even when it’s not running. She may also develop random manly behaviors, called mannerisms. These include grunting, "phantom jock itch" and horking, hawking or hucking, depending on regional preference.
Construction research yields no answers as to what causes these behaviors. But when you think about it, wearing a tool belt is the closest we’ll ever come to knowing what it’s like to be a guy. All those dangly bits hanging off ourselves are a real distraction, just like real dangly bits are for guys. They make you want to look at them a lot, swing ‘em around, and compare your hammer size to others.
So don’t be self-conscious if you grunt, belch or itch in unusual places when you put on your toolbelt. It’s part of our gender’s versatility, much like our ability to say "I think I’ll just let my armpit hair grow". We have choices, and that’s what makes us special. Until next time on A Repair to Remember, I’m Mag Ruffman.
A random disgorging of fix-it wisdom:
Dare to repair. How can you screw something up if it's already broken?
You can't change a man, but you can always freshen up a furnace filter.
A good repair should last at least as long as it took to do the job.
If women weren't meant to fix stuff, why did we give our husbands tools for Christmas?
If you're smart enough to fix the plumbing, you're smart enough to talk someone else into doing it next time.
When you just can't figure out how to fix something, walk away and don't think about it for awhile. Maybe you'll forget it was broken.
Doing the job right is never more important than looking good.
Terms NOT to use in a hardware store:
Thingamabob: (noun) Olde English, "thing of my bob"; a dangly accessory affixed to one's bob. Thought to have been worn by Saxons on the eve of nuptial ceremonies. WARNING: This term should never be used in hardware stores, especially if the clerk is named Bob. Also considered extremely offensive in parts of Nova Scotia, where there are many Bobs.
Do-Hickey: (noun) An expression used between ardent teenagers. Not recognized in most hardware stores, unless the clerk is a teenager.
Thingamajiggie: (noun) Olde English, "thing of my jiggie"; A "jiggie" is a smaller-than-average "bob". See warning above.
Whatchamacallit: (noun) Slang idiom meaning "what Jim might call it". Very few hardware clerks know Jim, and will not be able to guess what Jim might have called it.
Effective hardware store protocol to hasten your repair and add personal magnetism:
Hardware store clerks want to help. If you don't know the names of things, remain calm. Becoming flustered will confuse hardware store clerks. They may think the customer is flirting, medicated or deranged, when in fact he or she is merely frustrated for lack of suitable terms.
When in doubt about the names of parts you are trying to repair, take a drawing of the project details to your hardware store clerk. Watch respect and interest brim in the eyes of your clerk as you say, "I don't know the names of the parts, but this is a sketch of the way the drain pipes are configured under my kitchen sink, and this is the one that's leaking."
Usually, your clerk will gladly help you with the part names. Be a good scout and label your sketch with the new words. Use your new words 3 times that day, and they're yours forever. For example, at a cocktail party that night you might say to your host, "This soup is so rich it could clog your p-trap". This kind of remark will make your host think you are an interesting person.